Three weeks ago I have been devastated by my grand father's death. Now, even if I'm feeling much more better, surely because of my studies, that passionate me and help me not to think about what happened, I sometimes feel totally helpless in front of the meaning of life and other stupid existential problems. What scares me in death is not really what would happen afterwoods, beacause I'm convinced that there is nothing, but this "nothing" scares me. I just cannot imagine the destruction of mind, feelings, intelligence, I'm afraid because I know that someday I will never read anymore, I will never see any beautifuls landscape nor my fiance anymore, and I won't be conscious of this destruction when I will pass away. I don't understand how it can even be possible to be unconscious at this point, when we use our minds all the time, that we cannot do anything without feeling something; I don't accept it. Even if I know that I can't change anything to this; and that makes me feel so weak...
Knowing that my grand father is nothing now, that his whole life, his whole love for my grand mother (with whom he has been married for 60 years) has been totally destroyed and reduced to nothing makes me feel really bad. I don't think that human beings are deserving more than that, like eternal life or something, death is necessary in the course of Nature, and we are natural beings... But it's so cruel for us to know that whatever we do in our lives, compared to the the course of time, the size of the universe, it's just vain, useless and trivial; and it's so frustrating to know that you can't even say that this is cruelty because no one is responsible for this!
(Yes, I was first saying that I was feeling much better than three weeks ago, so you can imagine how I was three weeks ago).
I have this debate in my head since I'm seven, I learned which words I could put on it when I was twelve, and now I'm thinking of it every night.
Fortunately, days exist, and on days I can focus on much nicer things, like this:
I will put this brooch in my Xmas list for sure! I've seen it for the first time one month ago, and the more I see it, the more I want it ^^
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busy
frustrated
nostalgic
groggy
worried
high
embarrassed
energetic
geeky